You are your child’s whole world.

Dear Moms,

Today I crumbled. I felt like I have failed as a mom. My 13 month old, Is, was still recuperating from his fever and therefore he was probably having trouble sleeping longer. Waking up crying after every 40 minutes of sleep seemed to be the norm these past few days. Husband and I became sleep-deprived zombies. I knew Is was in pain but all he could do was cry. I felt so helpless and frustrated at the same time. But my husband made sure he woke up with me to attend to our littlest one even though all Is wanted was to be with me only, his safe zone… his world. Yet he was making a lot of fuss trying to sleep.

I really felt like screaming ‘Shut Up!’.

“HEPPPP!” I shouted, louder than I meant to. It was one of those moments — raw, unscripted, when emotions bubbled up before I could filter them. My baby stared at me for a moment, surprised, then came the screaming cry. I immediately felt that familiar wave of mom guilt. I somehow forgot to remind myself: I’m a human. And motherhood is messy. In the midst of the chaos, I didn’t realized my untrimmed nail caused Is’ lower lip to bleed while changing my holding position from left to my right shoulder. Immediately, I just broke down in front of my husband while he took Is out of my hands. “Be patient, Love. Please be patient!” he said. I buried my hands in my hair, fingers tangled in frustration, tears already spilling down my cheeks. It was that aching mix of anger and helplessness — the kind that makes you feel like you’re coming undone from the inside out.

After I was able to calm myself down, Is was given back to me to be breastfed. I laid down with him with tears still streaming down to my pillow. My husband laid down beside me and hugged me tight, quietly telling me ‘it’s ok and we got this’. I kept questioning myself why did I crumble? Why did I have to breakdown in front of my husband like that? Why was I such a mess? Nevertheless, I was thankful for having such understanding and supportive husband by my side even when I was at my lowest.

Is slept a little longer after the 4am drama. To my surprised, he actually woke up smiling after days of waking up crying. Like hello? Didn’t he remember what happened a few hours ago? But still, his smile reassured me that even when I’m at my lowest, I am still his safe zone and his world after all… and his source of milk.

To the mama reading this — even if you feel like you are falling apart, to your child, you’re still the whole world. One day you’ll look back and realize you were doing so much better than you gave yourself credit for.

Yours sincerely,

A